Photo Illustration by Thomas Levinson/The Daily Beast/Disney/Warner Bros/Getty
There are around five dozen Pinocchio movies coming out this year (just kidding, there are three), but Disney’s new “live-action” remake of the classic Italian tale shouldn’t remind you of any of its wooden brothers. No, this Pinocchio (released in 2022 on Disney+, to be clear of which one) isn’t reminiscent of the one where Pauly Shore whines “Faaather,” nor is it similar to the upcoming, artistically anti-fasicist stop-motion piece put together by Guillermo del Toro.
Pinocchio, for some odd reason, reminds me of Baz Luhrmann’s completely off-the-rails Elvis biopic. In fact, the more I think about it, the more I realize that they are nearly the same movie.
The connection begins with Tom Hanks. Oh, Tom. Why are you disguising your beautiful self under pounds of old-age makeup, fat suits, bad wigs, bald caps, and European accents? Please, for the love of Nora Ephron, remember that it is Meg Ryan fall, and go back to your You’ve Got Mail roots. No need to be taking on roles like Gepetto and Colonel Tom Parker.