EPHRAIM HARDCASTLE: Will the King keep Andrew handouts?

Terrifying times for Andrew as King Charles takes control of the vast revenues of the Duchy of Lancaster.

This was the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow from which the Queen provided Andrew with an undisclosed annual fee – as well as helping him with his legal fees and settlement with Virginia Giuffre.

Whatever Charles decides on Andrew’s future status, he will likely be less generous with the dukedom’s generosity.

Could the disgraced Prince settle for a small fee as Keeper of the Corgis, the Queen’s dogs banished to live with Andrew at Royal Lodge?

Should the Queen’s pallbearers be punished for their impeccable stewardship of her last voyage, they could propose a toast to Prince Philip. He made their job easier. When their predecessors carried Winston Churchill’s half-ton coffin from St Paul’s, it was so heavy that a corpse-bearer dislocated his shoulder. This alarmed the Queen, who asked Philip to investigate how future state coffins could be made lighter. As a result, her own lead-lined oak chest, at 500 pounds, was half Winston’s.

Good news for Boris Johnson, who is bracing for Sky’s Kenneth Branagh ax job This England on his Covid leadership. Producer Michael Winterbottom confirms details of the Partygate scandal, which unraveled Johnson’s premiership, only breaking out when it was too late to record. And happy tidings. It ends with good noire Dominic Cummings’ Barnard Castle trip to test his eyesight with a smile.

Olivia Wilde directed boyfriend Harry Styles in her movie Don’t Worry Darling and exploited his penchant for wearing gender neutral clothes by donning him a ruffled apron for a kitchen scene.

“How do you feel about wearing this?” The actress, pictured, asked him.

‘It’s practical to wipe your hands with. And it also sends a signal that this man is not insecure about his masculinity and that he equates himself with his wife.’

Harry’s reaction? ‘Yes, great.’

The Roman Catholic comic Frank Skinner has his tongue firmly in his cheek and claims he was queuing up to see the relics of Saint Bernadette. ‘There was a very nice queue atmosphere. It wasn’t that long. I stood in line for half an hour,” he says. “What annoyed me is that I saw Phil and Holly go in the front, laminate on. Not even Catholics. Couldn’t believe it. Just curious!’ Can the presenters of This Morning ever make this happen?

The Queen’s biographer AN Wilson is unimpressed by the £8 million price tag on LS Lowry’s matchstick painting, Going to the Match. “I never really delved into Lowry’s signature works,” he says. In his biography Confessions, Wilson recalls an afternoon with Lowry at his home in Longdendale. His verdict? “It had an animal smell that was given off by people who bathed once a week. The only place he lingers is in an Irish pub in Camden Town.’