Risks of cohabitation before engagement highlighted in study

More than half of Americans think moving in with a significant other before tying the knot is a good idea — that cohabitation before marriage or even getting engaged can increase their changes to a happy, successful marriage.

but New National Survey from the University of Denver, published by the Institute for Family Studies, says otherwise.

DU psychologists and professors of psychology Galina Rhodes and Scott Stanley say their findings suggest that living together before getting engaged can reduce the couple’s odds of a successful marriage.

Rhodes and Stanley used a representative sample of about 1,600 Americans who married for the first time between 2010 and 2019. The study found that 34% of marriages ended among those who lived together before engagement, while only 23% of marriages ended among couples who waited until after engagement. Or get married and move in together.

results pattern

The study’s findings align with similar research that Rhodes and Stanley have conducted over the years. One might assume that as societal norms about living together before marriage or courtship changed, so might the statistics on related divorce rates. But Stanley says, that’s simply not the case.

When people began studying this phenomenon in the 1970s and 1980s, Stanley says, it was very unusual for couples to live together before getting married. Now that it’s more common — with 70% of couples living together first — some social scientists have expected the stakes to diminish.

But Stanley and Rhodes did not. What they’ve found in previous studies is that the point at which a couple makes their marriage intentions clear makes a difference.

“That nuance is what we miss, so often,” Rhodes says. “The danger is really in living together before the two of you have made a clear and mutual decision — and declaration, even — to get married.”

Slipping versus making a decision

In the current study, Rhodes and Stanley asked respondents who cohabited before marriage to one of the following descriptions of why they began living together.

“We didn’t think about it or plan for it. We just slipped into it.”
“We talked about it, but then it just kind of happened.”
“We talked about it, planned it, and then decided together to do it.”

Most people chose the first or second option, which Rhodes and Stanley coded as “sled down” to live together, while they coded the third option as “decide” to live together.

They found that those who moved in together were 13 percentage points more likely to get divorced, compared to those who had talked about it and decided ahead of time. However, as noted by Rhodes and Stanley, this difference was halved after controlling for other characteristics of the survey participants, suggesting that some risk of slippage is due to factors such as background characteristics, age at marriage, or previous relationship history.

This finding is less robust, says Stanley.

“Getting the right sequence of when to move in together seems to be very important,” he says.

“Based on this and other research, we believe that slipping increases risk and decision making is protective, and that partners should talk openly and clearly about living together—and what it means—beforehand,” Rhodes says. “But instead of just talking about the ins and outs of moving in together, many couples need to talk about each partner’s expectations and intentions regarding the marriage. Where is this relationship heading?”

Reasons to live together

Also important are the reasons people cite for moving in together.

Rhodes and Stanley asked respondents to choose one of the following four options as their main reason:

“It makes sense financially.”
Test the relationship.
Spend more time with your partner.
“It is inconvenient for you to live separately.”

The most common main reason for moving in together was to spend more time with the partner. Rhodes and Stanley found that those who included “making sense financially” and “testing the relationship” as their top reasons were more likely to divorce than those who reported moving to spend more time together.

“Determining why you want to move in together is just as important as determining why you want to get married,” Rhodes says.

Stanley says asking tough questions about why you want to move in together is the best course of action, even if the answers are painful.

“Obviously, it’s not wise to avoid asking yourself or your partner difficult questions from time to time in the relationship,” he says. “I mean, one person can be pretty sure they want to marry the other, but are they sure their partner doesn’t kind of go through with the ride because we’re already living together?”

More cohabiting partners = higher risk of divorce

Another interesting finding from the study is that having more ex-cohabiting partners (i.e., living with more romantic partners) is also associated with a higher risk of divorce.

The risks associated with having more cohabiting partners include a more difficult romantic or family life, more stressful economic circumstances, and greater odds of having children with different partners—all of which can increase the odds of divorce.

“More cohabitation experience often means more experience ending relationships, which can lower barriers to divorce,” says the study. “Although no one wants a dangerous or harmful marriage to continue, many couples in a marriage struggle at some point, and the feeling that one can move on too easily can also mean moving toward the door too quickly in a marriage that may be with more Effort “.

How to mitigate these risks

Despite these risks and concerns, Rhodes and Stanley say it’s not all doom and gloom. Even couples whose relationships include the above risk factors can work to strengthen their relationships and reduce the odds of divorce.

“An earlier study we conducted shows that people who lived together without being engaged could reduce their risk after marriage,” says Stanley.

“We know from other research we’ve conducted that working on your relationship together or taking a relationship education class mitigate the risks associated with living together before you get engaged,” Rhodes says. Other studies we’ve conducted show that people who live together before they get engaged have more conflict and poorer communication. These are skills that people can learn, right? So, if you were married and lived together before you got engaged, we might suggest that you take a look at your relationship and think about what If there are some ways you can work together to make it stronger.”

This is part of the work that Rhodes and Stanley are doing. They don’t just study relationships; They use the results of their research to design programs that can help couples form stronger, healthier relationships.

“One of the reasons this is important, and the reason we want to study it, is because it’s actionable research,” Rhodes adds. “This is something that people can make decisions about for themselves, which could impact their future in really important ways. And I think I can speak for all of us by saying that we love doing research that has an impact in that way, and that makes some meaningful contributions to how people live their lives.”