Revealed: What NOT to say when consoling the bereaved, according to scientists

In times of grief, our words have the power to comfort a grieving family member or friend, or to inflame their pain.

According to a new study, wMean but hurtful comments after a child’s death can be especially memorable.

To better understand the potential of comforting words to heal or harm, social work researchers from Durham Trent University in Ontario, Canada, and Wichita State University in Kansas, USA, interviewed 20 parents in grief and 11 service providers.

These interviews revealed some of the best and worst things you can say to someone grieving the loss of a child.

Among the things you should not say when comforting the bereaved: suggestions that they should get over their loss more quickly, comparisons to your own losses that were quite different from theirs, and religiously based assurances that don’t match the beliefs of the family. person.

“You’ll get better,” “Get over it,” and “Move on” were some of the unhelpful suggestions reported by parents.

These unhelpful comments suggest that grief is a recovery or healing process with a specific endpoint, the authors wrote. And while people can go through different phases of grief, experts tend to agree that it is It is not a linear process.

The pain may decrease over time, but it may also reappear at seemingly random times.

There is usually no specific time when a grieving parent “should” have recovered, which can make some of the reported comments especially hurtful: “You’ll be so much better once you get past Christmas.”[You will] get over it in three months’ and ‘It’s been six months, aren’t you still better?’

Inappropriate comparisons were also unhelpful, grieving parents reported: “I know what you’re going through because I lost my mother,” or “I went through this too.”

These comparisons may be aimed at finding common ground, but they may also seem to minimize the person’s feelings.

Depending on a person’s beliefs, they may find comfort in religious statements. However, if a grieving parent is not very religious, these comments may be unhelpful or hurtful.

Some examples of unintentionally hurtful religious statements included: “It was God’s will,” “God wanted another angel,” and “God never gives you anything you can’t handle.”

In addition to collecting reports from parents, the study authors also examined the content of 170 sympathy cards to try to better understand where people might get their bad ideas.

They specifically examined the wording on Hallmark cards, due to the company’s dominance as a greeting card seller in North America.

Analysis of the cards by keywords revealed some common themes, based on the frequency with which the keywords were mentioned: expressions of sympathy or sadness for the bereaved (94 times), the sender held the bereaved in his thoughts (73 times ), variations of sentences or sentences. (48 times), God supporting the mourners (53 times), and the deceased child being with God (11 times).

Fifteen cards also mentioned that there were no words to adequately express the feelings.

In particular, the words “death” and “died” never appeared.

However, mentions of time appeared quite frequently. In fact, the study’s authors found an “overwhelming emphasis” on time, indicating “two distinct time periods (a sad time and a peaceful time).” Only six times did the cards mention that grieving can take a long time.

This emphasis on overcoming grief and coming to peace seems to connect with people’s insensitive comments about how to get over the death of a child, the authors wrote.

The study not only examined what not to do, but also what people can do to help a loved one experiencing a loss. Although the interview subjects were bereaved parents, these findings could be applied more broadly.

“Bereaved parents who had support from family, friends, spouses, and/or employers spoke about how important that support was to them,” the researchers wrote. “The responses showed that many bereaved parents who did not have that support felt very isolated and alone.”

Sometimes the most useful support was logistical, not strictly emotional.

It helped friends, coworkers and family collaborate on daily tasks like childcare and cooking, said the grieving parents interviewed for the study.

“Overall, what was helpful included: reassurance, normalization, being present, encouragement and support, and others not judging,” the study authors wrote.

Parents reported feeling supported by loved ones who talked to them on the phone or simply sat with them while they cried, without trying to get them to stop crying.

For bereaved parents who worked, returning to their jobs tended to help. There they found solace in supportive co-workers and a daily routine.

In the case of parents who did not work, some described creating other types of routines.

Peer support services were also helpful places for bereaved parents to go to validate their feelings, “allowing them to see that what they were feeling was not abnormal, helping them not to feel so alone, and giving them the opportunity to talk about their feelings.” . her son when everyone else in their world had ‘moved on’ and hoped they had moved on too.’

As for helpful things to say, the study authors recommended that instead of emphasizing a moment of healing, focus on the person’s “continuing bond” with the deceased.

This idea of ​​continued attachment proposes “that people in the grieving process hold the deceased in loving memory, maintaining an internal representation of the deceased long after their passing,” they wrote.

Rather than denying death, “we consider such phrases to be indicative of an ongoing bond that is a critical component of achieving and maintaining peace.”

As for religious statements, the study authors did not discourage them entirely. Rather, “it is important for the card-giver to consider the religiosity of the grieving person as well as the context of the death.”

He study appeared in the Diary of death and dying.