Photo Illustration by Kelly Caminero / The Daily Beast / Getty
I’ve become something of a coffee snob lately. I hate to say that; I’m already a writer living in Brooklyn (who just used a semicolon), how much more cliché can I get? But I spent most of my twenties going cheap when it came to coffee just out of necessity, and it was beginning to really bum me out. Now, I’ve finally decided to make coffee one of my luxuries: At the top of 2024, I told myself that I would no longer be stingy when it comes to how I ingest caffeine.
There’s a romance to the ritual, and, until now, my coffee choices weren’t reflective of how much stock I place in the act of having a hot cup of java. There is nothing more sensual than a cup of scorching black coffee, no matter what time of the year—sorry, iced coffee warriors! But taste is just as important as convincing people that you’re an aloof, tasteful genius with a slight dependency on liquid stimulants. And taste was no longer worth sacrificing for a few more bucks in my bank account, which means no more Folgers, despite how much the company’s ’80s Christmas ad still makes me cry and the 2010s incest-y remake makes me howl with laughter.
Apart from my beloved new Breville Bambino espresso machine (accompanied by a separate cheapo bean grinder, because it’s all about high-low) and my probably-too-frequent cafe purchases, I’m constantly seeking out new modes of coffee consumption to continue riding this personal high. So, when the collaboration between Seth Rogen’s high-end ashtray and lifestyle brand Houseplant and the trendy, flash-frozen coffee brand Cometeer came across my desk, it felt like a free pass from God to continue my search for the most opulent, tawny bean out there. While I’m certainly impressed by the flavor and quality of Rogen’s collaboration line, the process of consuming the beverage itself leaves something to be desired.