I ghosted a man after six weeks of dating… now he’s WORKING with me and making my life a living hell

Dear Jane,

Last year, I had a brief six-week relationship with a man I met on a dating app. I made it clear to him that I didn’t want anything serious from the start, but he became increasingly insistent that we had to be exclusive, sending me aggressive messages that really turned me off.

He got to the point where I became so uncomfortable with his behavior that I simply cut off all contact with him – but without really giving him an explanation because I was freaked out about how he might react. .

Cut to two months ago and my boss went to introduce me to a new recruit at my company: only to find out it was the same man I had ghosted a few months before.

I was absolutely horrified, but figured if we both acted professionally, we could get away with it without too much drama. Unfortunately, he didn’t seem to have the same attitude and within days of starting the role, he started spreading horrible and vile rumors about me among my co-workers.

He told people I was a serial flirt, shared gross fantasies with him about my boss, told him I took drugs at work…the list goes on.

He also started undermining everything I do, shutting down my ideas, taking credit for my work, and overall making my work life hell.

I tried to have a conversation with him about it and he refused to admit anything – even though I told him I knew it was all from him. He told me that I’m obviously jealous of his success and popularity in the office, and that sounds like a “me” problem.

I am honestly at my wits end and am seriously considering quitting my job before this situation gets more miserable.

Please help me know what to do before my career is ruined.

From,

Haunted by my past

Dear haunted by my past,

How I wish we all had learned better communication skills so ghosting was a thing of the past.

While I’m not judging you for the ghost, I can tell you from experience that someone’s ghost can create tremendous pain in the ghosted person. Being abandoned without an explanation can bring up all of our insecurities and fears of not being up to it, and leave us wondering, far longer than necessary, what we did wrong.

We ghost, as you know, because we’re afraid of confrontation or don’t know what to say, and it’s easier to stop answering texts, ignoring phone calls, until someone gets the message.

This man’s strong reaction tells me that your ghosting him has awakened something very deep within him, but however much compassion we have for someone in pain, his behavior is not acceptable. .

You mention that you tried to talk to him and he refused to admit his bad behavior, so now you need to email him.

Explain that his aggressive messages early in your brief relationship were off-putting, so much so that you felt intimidated or threatened at the prospect of a direct confrontation. Tell him that you recognize that you didn’t make it like a ghost, and for that you can apologize.

Then you have to list the behaviors and lies he uttered afterwards, tell him that it is not acceptable, and that if it continues you will go further, but that you hope he can move on. thing after being hurt by rejection and having a mature working relationship.

The purpose of the email is twofold – it is important for you to participate in it and, more importantly, you need to create a paper trail to protect yourself if necessary.

If he continues his behavior after the email is sent, you should escalate that email to HR or your boss.

I will also add that people pick up on someone very quickly who is spreading negative gossip. Whatever you do, don’t say anything negative about him or start a conversation about him. I imagine that people will very quickly start to mistrust him if he continues.

Dear Jane,

I’m kind of stuck on what to do with my teenage daughter – who I’ve always forbidden from having a cellphone.

I think kids’ obsessions with their devices only cause problems and I want my 16 year old daughter to embrace the world around her, not the screen in front of her.

However, she has become increasingly frustrated and upset with this rule in recent months, even accusing me of putting her life in danger because she has no way to call for help if she goes out with her friends.

I understand, to some extent, his point of view, and I offered to get him a simple flip phone that will allow him to call and text, but will not give him access to those awful mobile phone apps. social media.

To me, that seemed like a fair compromise.

Apparently, she didn’t feel the same. She locked herself in her room and refused to speak to me for four days.

I don’t want her to be unhappy and I certainly don’t want her to think she’s being punished – so how can I show her that these rules are for her benefit?

From,

Call waiting

Dear Call Waiting,

I understand your reluctance to give your daughter a phone; it’s easy to dwell in the golden light of nostalgia and yearn for a world without cellphones, without the stress of social media, without the constant connectivity of technology.

However, this is not realistic.

I imagine your daughter has a computer, so even if you think she doesn’t use these apps, she’s probably already discovered them on her computer.

Even if we want to prevent our children from seeing difficult things or being sucked into today’s crazy online world, we would be shocked to see everything they see, everything they know and how much how naive we are in thinking that we can protect them.

She is 16 years old and approaching an age where she can do whatever she wants, without you having a say. I think it’s better if you buy him a phone and then you can have conversations around the parameters you have set.

There are plenty of apps available now that give you parental controls and limit how much time she can be on her phone, so rather than feeling like she’s being punished by not having the phone in the first place, you can actually have a lot more control by giving him the phone.