EXCLUSIVE: I’m a psychologist – here are 9 subtle signs your partner lacks emotional intelligence

Emotional intelligence, or emotional quotient (EQ), has become a buzzword in recent years as part of a broader trend of using “therapeutic talk” in everyday conversations.

But relationship experts say a mismatch in EQ is often the source of breakups in marriages and couples.

One of the first problems in most relationships on the rocks is a lack of communication, according to the psychologist Dr. Scott Lyonsand a key part of communication is emotional intelligence.

“Emotional intelligence is the ability to recognize, understand and manage one’s own emotions,” he told DailyMail.com.

He said that while it’s possible to have fun with a romantic partner who has low EQ, the connection may not go much deeper.

Unfortunately, some people never develop emotional intelligence, possibly due to family problems or other childhood traumas.

And being in a relationship with someone who has low EQ can mean we continue to replay old unhealthy patterns, which can be very painful, said Lyons, a clinical psychologist who focuses on helping patients deal with trauma, limited beliefs and other negative cycles. .

Fortunately, emotional intelligence can be learned.

But the first step is recognition.

Here are 9 signs that you may be in a relationship with someone who lacks emotional intelligence:

1. They can’t see things from someone else’s point of view:

In a relationship, we want someone who can share our worldview, Dr. Lyons said.

What makes this difficult is that there are as many ways of seeing the world as there are people in the world.

Emotional intelligence allows us to see things from another person’s point of view.

You don’t have to agree, but romantic couples should at least acknowledge these differences so they can overcome them together.

“People’s inability to recognize that their experience may be different from yours is not a good sign,” Lyons said.

2. They get defensive when you share your feelings:

Even if your partner disagrees with you, they should be able to listen to your feelings without fighting.

For example, Lyons said, if one person tells the other, “I got scared because I didn’t hear from you,” some defensive responses might include insisting that they were where they said they were, or possibly even daring you to check their phone. as a test.

The emotionally intelligent response, on the other hand, could include being willing to listen, reassuring her that she is safe, or even just offering her a hug.

Emotional intelligence doesn’t mean figuring it all out right away, but rather showing that you’re willing to try to understand.

3. Even his physical posture is defensive:

Maybe they have their arms crossed. They may have a rigid posture.

“We normally call it defensive posture,” Lyons said.

This physical defensiveness often reflects an emotional defensiveness as well, he said, which will be demonstrated in a person’s insistence that their truth is the only truth.

And their defensiveness leads to an inability to be vulnerable and connect with other people on an emotional level, especially in romantic relationships.

4. They get angry at you for not being able to read their mind:

As much as we sometimes wish we were psychic, “that’s not really what we’re capable of as humans,” Lyons said.

‘If they get angry with you for not fulfilling their nThey need, but they don’t communicate their needs, that’s a red flag.’

This might look like your partner getting mad at you for not calling when they were having a bad day.

If something like this happens, there are emotionally intelligent ways to respond: “I could say, well, you didn’t tell me you were having a bad day,” Lyons said.

5. They do not pick up non-verbal cues:

When we share our feelings with each other, sometimes we don’t have all the answers. Sometimes we can’t find the words for what we feel.

In that case, non-verbal cues are the way in which an emotionally intelligent partner can seek to understand and help us.

Avoiding eye contact or speaking slower than usual can be signs that emotions are weighing heavily on someone, but a partner with low EQ may not be able to detect signs like these.

6. They don’t ask follow-up questions:

“Part of emotional intelligence is asking really good follow-up questions,” Lyons said. “I don’t think we consider enough how essential it is.”

Investigating and exploring emotions together can be powerful in a relationship because the more you know, the more empowered you are to support your partner, she said.

Lack of curiosity about someone’s feelings can be a sign of low emotional intelligence.

Even when one partner can’t find the words, questions can help him or her find them.

7. …but they try to get all the facts:

There’s a big difference between asking follow-up questions and trying to get all the facts, Lyons said.

Another person doesn’t need to have all the information to be there for you emotionally.

“If someone is bleeding, you don’t need to know what caused the bleeding to grab a bandage,” Lyons said. ‘Someone is suffering. You’ll be able to gather the facts when they’re done bleeding… or hurting.

Someone with a low EQ may feel the need to know the whole story to know if they totally agree with you before they are willing to sympathize, he said.

But a partner with high emotional intelligence can let go of the “narrative” or “story” of what is wrong and can instead simply be present for their emotions.

8. They blame instead of building bridges:

Similar to defensiveness, a partner with low emotional intelligence may turn the situation around when you share your feelings.

You may hear things like, “I don’t think that’s true,” “Well, let me tell you,” or “You did this.”

Or maybe they say you’re being too sensitive when you share what you’re feeling.

These types of phrases blame instead of seeking to connect with the couple.

‘I’m here with you’, ‘I’m listening’ or ‘Can you share more with me?’ They’re all phrases someone with a high EQ might use when you’re trying to connect with them, Lyons said.

‘What do you need?’ or ‘How can I support you?’ They are also excellent examples of emotionally intelligent responses, she added.

9. They remain silent in the wrong situations:

There are times when all we need is for someone to listen to us. Or perhaps our feelings are so overwhelming that we cannot verbalize them.

It’s okay to sit in that silence, Lyons said.

But sometimes you want feedback or reassurance. You can even ask for it.

Without emotional intelligence, your partner may remain silent, unable to communicate. And you can probably feel the difference between these two types of silence.

It can also mean that the couple retains their inner life, and not only when it comes to conflicts, but also triumphs and achievements.

“They may be familiar with sharing the negative things, but they don’t even share the good things.”

So what can you do about it?

Taken together, a lack of emotional intelligence can make you feel alone in a relationship, he said, “whether it’s our lack of emotional intelligence or theirs.”

Your low-EQ partner may not know what you don’t know about feelings, Lyons said, so it’s important to be kind and open the conversation, rather than putting a label on it.

Lyons said that a lack of emotional intelligence is not a fatal obstacle in a relationship, as long as there is an openness to overcome it.

If you believe that your partner lacks emotional intelligence, it is important to approach them with the understanding that they did not choose to be that way.

Rather, they may be stuck in their emotional development and need help, Lyons said. This can take the form of loving conversations, in which you express curiosity about their feelings and your willingness to support them.

“That’s the most emotionally intelligent way to do it.”