DEAR JANE: I forced my husband to RETURN our puppy after giving him an ultimatum – he will never forgive me

Dear Jane,

My marriage was nearly torn apart by a terrible turn of events and I’m not sure my husband and I will ever recover.

After begging my husband for years to get a dog, I finally gave in a few months ago. He promised me that he would take on a lot of the responsibility because I just didn’t feel ready to take on such a disruption to our lives. lives. And I assumed he would handle it himself, because that’s what he always said.

So the puppy arrives and is adorable. Very cute – but very, very loud, energetic, whiny, messy. Within a few days, she had chewed up a pair of heels, peed on my vintage rug, and—believe it or not—broke a mirror.

She also cried throughout the night and although my husband was attentive, no amount of white noise, television or music helped me sleep through that. After two weeks I felt like I was going crazy. Our house was a mess and I had no sleep at all.

So I put my foot down and gave my husband an ultimatum. Me, or the dog. I told him how unhappy she made me, that I was struggling to ever accept the lifelong disruption to our routine, and that she was basically driving me crazy.

He agreed to take the dog back to the breeder even though I knew he didn’t want to. I thought we would just go back to normal life. But since she left our house, he’s been miserable and, worse, he feels like he’s shifting the blame for that misery onto me.

He makes a lot of unkind comments. For example, when I offer to do the dishes, he says, “Only if it’s not too much work for you.” He also replaced my photo with one of the puppies on his phone screensaver. We haven’t had sex since the dog left and he won’t even give me a hug or a kiss these days.

I’m glad I can get healthy and sleep again, but I feel like I’ve lost my husband in the process. I never wanted a dog, but I don’t want a divorce either.

Will I be forced to endure a dog’s hell for the sake of my marriage?

By,

Puppy love problems

Dear Puppy Love Problems,

Unfortunately for you, for most people a dog, or any pet for that matter, cannot be returned simply because it is more difficult to care for than expected.

Put it this way: if your husband was desperate for a baby and you weren’t sure, but you agreed to make him happy, and then found yourself exhausted and running ragged and it wasn’t the Hallmark movie was what you expected But you wouldn’t put the baby up for adoption.

I understand how angry he is.

And I also understand that you tried to make him happy, without really thinking about what it means to add a puppy to your household. That you were completely unprepared for the work and disruption that comes with having a young puppy.

And that’s just the beginning, by the way. Dogs need commitment, and it’s a commitment you couldn’t and still don’t want to give.

If you’re not a dog person, you’re not a dog person. You made a mistake that was really unfortunate, without realizing the impact it would have on your life, and now it seems to be affecting your relationship.

Considering that in your last sentence you’re asking whether or not you’ll be forced to put up with a dog’s hell, I think taking this puppy back or getting another dog would be the very last thing you would do. must do.

I imagine that your husband will be able to forgive you in time, especially if you explain that you were trying to make him happy, in the hope that you could put aside your own reservations and fears, while you never dreamed that this mistake would cause so much would affect your marriage. All you can do is explain and apologize. Then it’s up to him.

Perhaps there is a compromise in another pet that would not be so disruptive, including perhaps an adult dog that is calm and trained, who could satisfy your husband’s need for a dog without turning your life upside down.

But if you were to bring another animal into your home, I would recommend that you do extensive research and talk to people who have these animals to find out exactly what is required, and whether or not you are able to adopt animals to bring along. make sure.

You knew yourself well enough to strongly suspect this would be a problem. If there’s a lesson in this, it’s to make sure you don’t make these kinds of mistakes again. Marriages are based on compromise, but there’s a difference between compromising and saying yes to something when every fiber in your body tells you to say no to make someone else happy

Dear Jane

I am in a same-sex relationship and just over a month ago I married my wife. She is a wonderful person; she is kind, caring and she will literally do anything for anyone no matter who that person is. But despite all this, I know I married the wrong person.

My last ex and I didn’t meet under the best of circumstances. She was my teacher throughout my time at university and as we grew apart during the three years I had a job elsewhere, when I moved back to the city, we bumped into each other and became friends. That then slowly turned into dating.

There was an immediate click between us. Largely because we have so much in common: we both have PhDs, we share the same interests, we like the same movies, wine, books, TV shows, and so on.

Last night I was catching up with my friends, and I couldn’t stop thinking about her. I was so distracted. Then it clicked: I married the wrong person. I ended up getting very drunk and went to her house to ask if we could talk. I told her that I still have feelings for her and that I married the wrong person. She confessed that she still loves me, but when I tried to kiss her, she knocked me away.

Now my wife is away for the day and I can’t stop crying. I know I married the wrong person and that I should have married my ex, but I don’t know what to do or how to deal with this.

Please help me, Jane.

By

Unhappily married

Dear unhappily married person,

It may very well be that you should have married your ex, but you didn’t marry your ex, and in fact your ex knocked you away when you tried to kiss her.

The point is that love is not enough. Just because you think you still love your ex and she still loves you, doesn’t mean you should be together. I have no idea what your relationship with your ex was like or why you broke up, but you did break up, and you broke up despite having so many things in common.

Realizing on a whim that you made a mistake and should be with an ex seems, well, whimsical to me. It is based on nothing more than a thought, and certainly has no basis in reality. What is based in reality is your marriage with your wife, who you describe as a wonderful person, kind and caring, who will do anything for anyone.

I wonder how your wife would feel if she knew you tried to kiss your ex? I wonder how you would feel about causing her so much pain?

But more than that, I think of the old saying that the grass is greener where you water it, and that the key to happiness is not getting what you want, but wanting what you have. It sounds like the reality of your life – your wife – is actually very good, and should you choose to put your attention and love into your current relationship, rather than into the fantasy of an ex-lover, this marriage would can grow into something stable. strong and real.

Jane’s Sunday Service: Because of our negative biases, it can be so much easier to focus on what we don’t have, what we think we want, rather than being grateful for what we have. Psychologist Robert Emmons once said about gratitude: ‘Gratitude is an enduring approach to life that can be freely chosen for yourself. It is the choice to focus on blessings rather than curses, on gifts rather than burdens, and people report that it changes their lives.”