Dear Jane,
My husband of 23 years had what could be described as a midlife crisis not long ago (although he’s only 56!) and started obsessing about getting rid of his “dad bod.”
I always thought I was in pretty good shape, but suddenly I was going to the gym at least once a day (sometimes twice on the weekends) and started seeing very quick results.
I suppose he’s what you’d now describe as “a hunk”, especially for his age, and he’s very proud of the work he’s done, understandably so.
The thing is… his newfound confidence makes me feel really terrible about myself. While he spends his time going to the gym, I pick up our three kids and take them to this activity and that activity, and when that’s all over, I’m exhausted and can’t even stand the thought. of exercising.
Dear Jane, My husband has transformed his ‘dad bod’ to become muscular and lean, and that has prevented me from having sex with him completely.
But that lack of activity has left me with a bit of a belly and it’s been years since I looked in the mirror and felt really confident. But when my husband and I were in this together, it didn’t really matter.
Now that he’s gone and “torn” I can’t even stand the thought of him touching me. Our sex life has completely dried up because I can’t get over those horrible thoughts about how disgusted he must be when he looks at me.
He hasn’t said anything specifically about my body, but he has made comments that I might like to consider going to the gym because it’s been “so good for him,” and I can’t help but take them as direct comments about my body. my own physical form.
I have no idea what to do here. I was so happy and comfortable for so long, but now it seems like the blissful comfort was only on one side of our marriage?
Of,
mom body
Dear Mom Bod,
There’s a lot going on here, and my heart goes out to you, because change is often frightening, and the law of physics dictates that when one partner’s behavior changes, it affects everything.
I want to focus on what you’re saying about how disgusted he must be when he looks at you.
Dear Mama Bod, that body of yours has produced three children, it has been through the mill, it has sustained you through all these years, but what I feel, behind your words, is shame and self-hatred.
I’m assuming you’re in your forties or fifties, which means you’re probably in perimenopause or menopause. We all think we know what menopause will be like, but we are still surprised by the changes, a body that redistributes weight, that clings to every slice of bread we eat, that gives us bellies and bags we never used to have.
If there’s one thing I know about men, it’s that they don’t see the things we see when we look in the mirror. They embrace curves and softness, all the things that make us feminine.
It may be that your husband is gently suggesting that you go to the gym not so much to change the outside, but – I suspect – to change the inside, to change how you feel about yourself.
The thing is, life isn’t much fun when we hate our bodies and we hate ourselves. I don’t know what it will take for you to love yourself, but I can share my own experience, which is that I spent years hating my body, wishing I was thinner, thinking I was too big, too much, that life only works for me if he was thin.
There have been periods in my life where I have lost weight and, apart from the initial excitement of being able to wear everything I wanted to wear, I quickly discovered that I still didn’t like it, that I was harder on myself. than anyone else.
Until I was brave enough to do the work (therapy, meditation, lots of reading on how to live a happy life, and, perhaps most importantly, focusing on myself and my problems instead of trying to blame someone else), I was able to No Be happy.
Until we love ourselves, with our bellies, our mustaches, our varicose veins, our warmth, our curiosity, our ability to give, all the magical gifts that we, as women, are lucky to have, we will never be happy. with our partners or our lives.
Your husband is clearly on his own journey, which is wonderful for him and terrifying for you. I can feel his love for you in this letter and I urge you to begin your own journey of learning to love yourself.
It may be that exercise is part of that journey, it may be that you decide to accept yourself exactly as you are. Either way, this is glorious advice from the universe: it’s time for you to discover YOU. Sending you lots of love and strength.
Dear Jane,
I have two children by two different men; The second of them I am now happily married.
My ex-partner, who is the father of my first child, also remarried a lovely woman who I get on very well with. They now have a daughter together.
We all have a good dynamic and have done our best to combine family vacations and Christmas celebrations, which has been fantastic. But for the past few times, my ex’s family has basically pretended that none of my children exist. They shower her daughter with gifts and praise, but do nothing for her son. I understand (a little) if they don’t want to give my youngest son gifts and such, but his behavior has really started to take its toll on my older son, who no longer wants to spend time with his father’s family.
I have tried to mention it to them several times, only to be told that I am ungrateful and that everyone else can’t be expected to adore my children.
I don’t want my son to lose his connection to his father’s side of the family, but I can’t help but feel like he’s being forced to leave.
How can I convince them?
Of,
Become unmixed
Dear Becoming Unpacked,
I feel your pain in this letter. There is nothing as bad as seeing your children rejected, especially by a family that is supposed to love them. Blessed are we who are fortunate to have modern blended families that recognize that there are families of all shapes and sizes, of all sexualities and colors, united by loyalty and love, by the knowledge that the logical family is not only blood, but we choose.
Your child is already telling you what to do. As hard as it may seem, your job as a mother is to raise good adults who can go out into the world and fly.
You can’t always protect your children from difficulties and rejection, and in fact, experiencing difficult things will build resilience and drive. But not when those harsh things from their grandparents, aunts and uncles.
The modern blended family can be a wonderful thing. I had a very difficult time at first, dealing with my husband’s first family, but now we have shared Christmases, birthdays together and it is wonderful for the children.
But for this to work in real life, rather than on a TV show, everyone must agree, everyone must treat children with love and respect. Her husband’s family has not done this, and he is the one who needs to talk to them if it is important to him that this relationship between his son and his family continue.
If you can’t see the pain you are causing, I urge you to stop combining holidays and shared celebrations.
Your children can still maintain a great relationship with their father and any family members who are willing to welcome them, but you should not continue to mingle if your children are rejected.